Parry Hotter and the Chamber of Losers
by Stensil
Summary: When Harry, Ron, and Hermione encounter the strangest new trio at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, you will be shocked by what happens next.


**Chapter 1**

 _ **A Rocky Beginning**_

I'm sure you've heard all about the enthralling tale of Harry Potter and his two friends.

This is not it.

The year was 1991. Harry Potter and his two friends Ronald Weasley and Hermione (Her-Me-Own-Aye) Granger on their mission to stop Voldemort from acquiring the Paleantologist's Rock, had surpassed the various challenges presented to them within the third floor corridor in which if any student were to enter they would endure a most painful death. The latter held most accurate. They were abruptly slain most heinously by a stray Russian Cold War Era satellite.

This brings us to our story. 168 and ⅓ hours prior, three other students of Hogwarts school for Witchcraft and Wizardry were lurking about the castle. A notoriously violent and recklessly brave Gryffindor known as Jake "Jake" (Short for Jackie. (Short for Jacqueline.)) Vasaio, was forcing one of her best friends down the corridor at knife point. She had an affinity for using muggle weapons and her fist rather than her wand. Her best friend Don just trudged on with a questioning stare. At this point, questioningly was the norm.

Blake "Don" Donnola was the local book burner, but out of courtesy he would read the books before hand and became quite the bookworm. Often rivaling that of Miss Granger. Unlike Hermione however, Don here was a Hufflepuff with a talent for messing up even the simplest of spells in the most obscure and impractically brilliant ways possible. Don was tired of Jake's shit. He decided to use flipendo on the knife to knock it out of her hand. What a terrible idea. But then again, that's Don's specialty.

"Flipendo!" shouted Don. Rather than knocking out of Jake's hand, the knife flew horizontally into the air and glided to a hover right above their other friend Kyle's (Short for Kiley. (Short for Boomerang.)) right foot. Kyle stopped shambling down the hall behind them to pocket the floating knife suspiciously.

Kyle "The Chainsaw" Motosega, the trio's token Slytherin companion, was one of the few (Sort of) good hearted Slytherins of the school. The Slytherins fearfully called her "The Chainsaw," while other house folk were too afraid to ask what it meant. Kyle had the peculiar talent of convincing the Hogwarts professors that she is constantly drunk (Of which she is never, for 11 year olds do not drink alcoholic beverages). Kyle is known for pulling out guns during tense situations and telling everyone to drop to the floor and empty their wallets. She is not easily fazed.

Despite the trio coming from separate households, they bonded over their shared heritage. _Italians_.

Both Don and Kyle come from a long line of pureblood Italian wizarding families. Jake found herself in a most unfortunate situation. Both Don and Kyle were grossly incorrect in assuming that Jake is also an Italian. No matter what Jake says they are not convinced otherwise. Jake's surname is Smith, however due to a woeful mispronunciation by Professor McGonagall at the Sorting Hat ceremony, Don and Kyle believe it to be Vasaio.

"What are we even doing?" Asked Kyle.

"Don't you see? We're following those three conniving fools up ahead. They're up to something, and I plan to investigate it full-heartedly," answered Jake.

"So, why are you dragging _us_ along on yet another one of your reckless 'missions'?" Don inquired.

"Because I need moral support, okay!" Exclaimed Jake. Everyone in the hall stopped for a millisecond and stared at the trio as they paused in the middle of the corridor. Movement in the hall then continued.

"So what are we even doing?" Asked Kyle again.

"You see Harry, Ron, and Hermione up ahead? I've noticed some suspicious activities and discussions coming from them late at night in the Gryffindor common room. I plan to investigate."

"You know, threatening us with a knife down the hallway is probably the most conspicuous thing you could do. I mean look at them! The three of them are staring at us. I'm almost convinced they are walking faster," Don said.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione began to sprint at full speed.

"Shit! We're losing them. Quick, new plan. Let's hide behind this suit of armor and put on my Cloak of Low Visibility™," Jake exclaimed while obviously not thinking before shouting it loud enough for everyone in the corridor to hear.

The three huddled behind the suit of armor, still in obvious plain sight, and enveloped themselves in the cloak. The three disappeared behind a faded blur. You see, while Harry's cloak of invisibility renders the user completely and utterly invisible, the Cloak of Low Visibility™ causes the eyesight of any who look in its direction to turn into 20/40 vision. Thus reaching the legal blindness level of Kyle's poor vision. To make matters worse, Kyle happens to not wear glasses.

The "Italian Gang," as they like to refer to themselves as, appeared from behind the suit of armor causing many students to groan and receive minor headaches from their impaired vision. Some sarcastically gasped as "they totally didn't see anyone under a cloak."

"God damn it! We've lost them!" Shouted Jake.

"No shit sherlock," Kyle retorted coolly.

"Don't worry. I'll stop them in their tracks. I have the perfect spell for this occasion…" Muttered Don while rubbing his hands together menacingly. Kyle groaned. "Accio Harry Potter!"

A mile away, Harry face planted with a sickening crunch. _CRUNCH_! His shoes removed themselves violently from his feet. The left shoe slapped Ron across the face as the pair flew back towards where the three had just come from.

"That's either the dumbest or the most genius idea you've had so far," Jake told Don.

Suddenly, a whizzing sound could be heard. In the blink of an eye, two ratty old black leather shoes tumbled into the ground in front of Don's feet and spontaneously combusted. Don, unfazed by the catastrophic failure in front of him, decided to use another spell to fix the mess laying at his feet.

"Accio Wat-" Don began. Before he could finish the spell, Kyle promptly tackled him to the ground.

"No," said Kyle.

"Well, at least it wasn't the burning body of Harry in front of us. We better be thankful it was just his shoes," Jake said.

"I bet a burning body would have smelled better," uttered Kyle.

Later that night, Jake sat at the couch across from the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room. She stared blankly ahead, unblinking. Slightly jarred by the sound of the Fat Lady attempting opera to the unsuspecting Gryffindors entering the common room, Jake turned her head. In walked the infamous trio, Harry, Hermione, and Ron. She saw a large bandage on Harry's nose.

" _Man, he must have gotten a nose job_ ," she thought. Jake quickly turned her head back towards the same speck on the wall above the fireplace that she had been staring blankly at before.

"How could my shoes just fly off like that?" Asked Harry.

"I don't know, but that must have been high level dark magic. Perhaps someone was trying to use _Imperio_ but the spell was cast incorrectly," Hermione suggested.

"What's _Imperio_?" Asked Ron.

"What's it to you!?" Shouted Jake. She stormed up the stairs leading to the girl's dormitory but paused on the third to final step.

"What's the deal with her?" Wondered Ron.

"I bet she has something to do with it. Why else would she just randomly explode like that regarding business that isn't hers to begin with?" Hermione said.

"Do you think she knows about the Paleontologist's Stone? Perhaps she's trying to keep us from getting it," whispered Harry.

"Don't be silly! What kind of first year would be interested in all of that?" Hermione said.

"Hmm… I wonder," Ron said sarcastically. Hermione groaned.

" _I must clue in Don and Kyle regarding this recent revelation of theirs…"_ Thought Jake. She then said out loud: "To the magical device of communication!" Jake jumped up the last three steps and sprinted to her four poster bed. Completely disregarding her fellow housemates sleeping peacefully, she yanked open her trunk's ungodly creaky lid and pulled out a machine that resembled that of a printer. She slammed the door shut, ignored the annoyed groans of her housemates, and sprinted back down the stairs to the common room with her magical machine in hand.

It was a dark and surprisingly temperate night. All the students of the Gryffindor house were asleep, all but one... A dim light could be seen softly emitting from one corner of the common room. Without warning, a continuous and inconveniently loud set of beeps shuttered the entire tower.

"Bloody Hell! What was that?" Shouted out Harry as he suddenly woke from his deep slumber, disappointed to leave a dream involving winning a competition for the tastiest ice pop, one of Harry's life goals.

"I've heard that sound before…" pondered Ron. "It sounds like something my dad showed me once, I think it was called a Fax Machine."

"No." Replied Harry. "This sound I know. There is no sound like it. This is the sound of EVIL!" He screamed jumping out of bed before remembering his embarrassing habit of sleeping in the nude.

"No, I'm pretty sure Ron is right," said a harsh voice in the night. The sound of such a disgustingly raspy voice woke up everyone in the boy's dormitory.

In unison, everyone yelled "Shut up Seamus!"

Meanwhile deep in the recesses of the dungeons, (Also known as the Slytherin Common Room), Kyle was attempting to decrypt a most mysterious message from her friend Jake. It was not the content of the message that was confusing, simply the fact that Jake's handwriting was worse than that of an almost-dead centaur attempting to write left handed while simultaneously relieving themselves in a urinal.

Don on the other hand, was fluent in bad handwriting and was able to quickly decipher the message, for his own handwriting was a script of its own.

Kyle and Don soon found themselves in the restricted section of the Hogwarts library after distracting the prefects who were still up for whatever reason, with stink bombs and balloons respectively.

"I don't get paid enough for this…" Uttered a sad Hufflepuff prefect.

"We don't get paid period," said another of Gryffindor decent.

"Honestly, why are we still up?" Inquired another Hufflepuff prefect.

"Yeah, let's go to bed! From now on, we are on strike!" Shouted a Slytherin prefect with fiery passion.

Kyle and Don sat behind a bookshelf as they watched the prefects file out of the library annex one by one.

"What a night! We managed to sneak past a trail of prefects and convince them to go on strike all at the same time," said Don.

"They volunteered for the position. They didn't have to be there to begin with. In fact, surveying the library annex at 2:00 in the morning is not a part of their job description," said Kyle with pure prefect job description knowledge in her voice. "Anyways, what the heck did Jake even want. All I could figure out was that we needed to be here at 2:03 am sharp."

"Eh, I think it was about Harry getting a nose job or something," Don said questioningly.

"Hello friends. Let's get down to business," came a mysterious sounding voice from the corner of the room.


End file.
